Unsubscribing…I hope.

I spent 4 hours unsubscribing from countless email lists on Sunday. These included everything from clothing retailers to furniture retailers, gardening sites to President Obama. And each time I pushed the unsubscribe button I got taken to a page that asked me to enter in my email address (really?), take a short survey and on many occasions asked me to explain why I was leaving (double really?)

Seriously- most of these servers started emailing me without my conscious consent. It just happened. I forgot to check the right box when buying something or tried to stay away from the BPA toxins on those receipts by having them email it to me. Or it could be all those donations I make to the ASPCA or Defenders of the Wildlife, but I don’t think so- wolves and dogs and cats rarely sell email addresses. But damn, however you got me, you got me by way of nearly 100 emails each day in an already cluttered inbox.

And then, like the boyfriend who just doesn’t get it, you have to go and draw it out, make it difficult, ask a bunch of questions. Haven’t you caused enough strife and frustration already?

Over the course of 4 hours I answered your ridiculous questions as if we had a relationship and was honest about it (sort of, I didn’t want to hurt the server’s feelings). I just get too many emails. And those offers you mention, or that bill that needs passing, well- your email isn’t convincing me to buy or vote or donate another $5.00 (Note to the Democratic National Party– Please stop asking me for another $5.00. I’m not giving any of you $5.00 until you and your fellow Republican/Democrat/Tea Partying/Independent politicians take a pay cut and get the same health insurance you’re peddling to me.)

I did all of this on Sunday. It is now Wednesday, a full 3 days later, and many of them are still emailing me. Loft, Ann Taylor, Michael Moore, BarakObama.com, MyHabit- they just don’t seem to get that we are really over.

J. Crew on the other hand left me alone immediately. Kudos to them! When I exchange the sweater I received for Christmas I may just buy something extra for their complete understanding that our email affair was over when I said it was.

And for all you email servers out there pondering a possible digital romance with my inbox- please don’t. It will be a waste of both of our time. You’d be much better canoodling with a girl in possession of a credit card, or at least a decent credit score. Just don’t ask her for $5.00. It’s a turn off.